Your Safety is My Top Priority
by Tyesha Best
Your Safety is My Top Priority
Keynote Speech WestCoast LINK 2017
Good afternoon, welcome aboard Leather Skylines Flight 69 with daily service to Erotic Pleasure on our plane Get Some! My Name is Tyesha, its my pleasure to be working with Crisco in the back and Dildos up front here with me. Our Captain is Sex assisted by First Officer Shenanigans. They have informed me our estimated flying time: Endless Orgasms.
Here in Leather and Kink, safety should be our top priority. So I appreciate a few minutes of your attention while I explain some of the lacking features of our culture. You can follow along with your listening ears, and your privilege left behind in your pocket.
I would like to say that my job, that of a flight attendant is almost as hard as, that of being a Queer sometimes Asexual, dark chocolate, polyamorous, femme, switch, of a Leatherwoman with a Bachelor’s in snarkasm, a Master’s in Civic Rebellion, and a PhD in Blackgirl Magic with an emphasis in staying woke.
Just like being a flight attendant, being Leather isn’t for the faint of heart, it isn’t for the mediocre, the lazy, or the unintelligent. Like my Leather, at my company we put safety first, our service has been award winning for over a dozen years, and we weed out those who could possibly harm others.
Another feature that both our community and my company offer is that of endless channels of entertainment. And so in our community, we have an endless amount of experiences available to enthusiasts. Let’s address a few of those channels, shall we?
Turn to the channel on our public scene. We are a social people. We enjoy our bars, conferences, contests and more. And just like our larger muggle society, our Leather and Kink scenes have grown and evolved. We are seeing a closing of our bars, the ending of long established conferences, and ironically more contests as a way to fill the gap of our lack of social and safe spaces. At this time in our lives, there is no greater need than more spaces that are safe, tucked away from the woes and struggles that we are currently facing politically and culturally in our mainstream societies. We are panicked each time we see an article about flagstone bars closing. Just one step closer to being outdated, assimilated, and sanitized out of existence.
“Everything will change. The only question is growing up or decaying.” -Nikki Giovanni
What we need is to adapt. We need to adapt to our growing sober groups. We need to adapt to the diminished cash flow. We need to adapt to our younger generations coming of age and needing a home. Not just home bars, no. What needs to be established are more community centers. Community centers that allows for more options. Community centers can give us meeting space. Community centers can give us play spaces of which groups or individuals can sign up, establish boundaries suitable to their needs and then enact them. Spaces like the Twin Cities Leather & Latte and The MoonFyre Cafe are innovative and adapting to economic and social struggles. We need to bring back the CSPC, not only bring it back but maintain it financially by supporting that establishment as if it was our home. I am here to say that we can have both inclusivity and exclusivity without fear of losing power on either side. Then our community as a whole can afford to have community centers of which other minority groups in our culture can have space and time to express their sexual energies as well. Bars and dungeon spaces cannot be the only space of which we come to cruise and celebrate our kink and Leather. We are more than players, we are humans craving connection outside of our sex and play scenes. We are humans seeking a refuge from our jobs, and those who oppress and discriminate against us.
“You don’t make progress by standing on the sidelines, whimpering and complaining. You make progress by implementing ideas.” — Shirley Chisholm
Change the Channel again. I want to talk about Family.
Family comes in all forms. Family has your back. Family does NOT have to be blood. Family is chosen. You have the choice to choose who is and isn’t in the most sacred circle of your life. Family is love. Family is trust. Family is priceless. Regardless of your leadership duties. Regardless of your title. Keep. Your. Family. First. In the end, I come home to my family after every working trip. In the end, I come home to my family after each conference, after teaching each class. It is my family that holds me accountable to my word and actions. I have seen, numerous times, our leaders in Kink and Leather be admonished and shamed for putting their family first.
If a leader wants to travel with their family, then conferences and community events should treat them as one. Leather and Kink shouldn’t subscribe to patriarchy and only allow pairs. If a leader wants to post pictures of their family on social media, that isn’t the sign of weakness, that is a sign of wisdom because they know, who holds the keys to their hearts and homes. If a leader wants to say NO because of family, then respect of boundaries should be given. If a leader wants to ask their family first, then respect of boundaries should be given.
It is MY family that keeps me safe, secure, hopeful. Family is your first line of defense. Family should be your heaven because sometimes the outside world can be your hell. In this political climate, being a leader is one of the hardest things I am doing when it comes to my job and my Leather. Kirk Ruben and William Ferkel are my Sir and Alpha. They are my Sun and my Stars. They are my Sword and my Shield. There have been times where I couldn’t stand up for myself, couldn’t speak for myself, couldn’t save myself, and couldn’t be myself. They have saved me, spoke for me, elevated me, and defended me. Family. If there is ever a time that leaders recognize those that have made it happen, I would start with your family first, community second. So, thank you to Kirk Ruben and William Ferkel, and also thank your to my lil brother Jacob McManus, for his sensible spirit and endless joy. Your Baa Baa loves you dearly and stands with you clearly.
Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher. -Oprah Winfrey
And so we Change the Channel again.
This Channel is for our boys and our girls and our submissives. Treat them better, elevate them. Service doesn’t always mean invisibility. Service doesn’t mean diminishing one’s self esteem and self-identity. A few days ago, I made a comment on a thread that asked for those Black Women over the age of 35 to give advice to those black women in their 20s. I garnered the most likes in the thread at over 230, with 60 comments and counting. The post itself has been shared over 7,000 times. Years ago, I didn’t believe in myself, didn’t love myself, didn’t cherish myself. I thought very little of my physical features, my intelligence. I felt alone and unworthy. I felt misshapen, a unique accident, unnecessary. Today I can read out loud a love letter of sorts, a love letter to myself that I wished I had a mentor, sister or parental figure read to me at the time. Though I am Leather, and enjoy Leathersex just like my fellow young people, I need advice. I need real life advice-advice that I can use outside of the bedroom, to keep myself whole and happy, sane and healthy, so that when I come back to the bedroom, or pull on the mantle of leadership, I am prepared. I am ready. And with that I read the 50 pieces of advice to black women under 35 in order to keep my goal of mentoring those coming up behind me. I am passing forward these important lessons I learned to those in need:
1. Learn to balance a Checkbook. If you can’t count your money, you more than likely don’t know how to save or make money.
2. If you have a 401k, keep it. If your company matches it, then max it out. Always send some of your paycheck to you 401K. Take out an IRA if you don’t have one, especially if you don’t have a 401K.
3. Always, ALWAYS have enough money in the bank to move out if you don’t feel safe where you currently live or who you currently live with.
4. Travel. You DO NOT have to live in your home town your whole life. See a different city or state or country. It will keep you diversified and more open minded.
5. Learn another culture. Learn another language. Even if you don’t become fluent in the language or learn the culture completely, you’ll find yourself open to other perspectives and find that your wisdom also grows.
6. If your significant other doesn’t celebrate you, show them the door. If your significant other doesn’t support you, show them the door. If your significant other doesn’t show interest in you, show them the door. If your significant other lies to you all the time, show them the door.
7. If you don’t trust them, show them the door. If you have to go through their phone, ask 50k questions about their day and who they were with, or feel the need to always be next to them just to be sure-show them the door.
8. If you don’t love or trust yourself, you sure as heck won’t be able to fully love or trust anyone else.
9. If you don’t do sex, be proud. If you do do sex, be proud. Either way do it loud and don’t judge those who don’t have the same choice as you do.
10. Buy as many vibrators, sex toys, lingerie, sex books, slings, as you want. But buy them FOR YOU FIRST.
11. Orgasm as much as possible.
12. Laugh as much as possible.
13. Dream Big. Write them down. Try them out.
14. Don’t be afraid to fail in achieving your dreams.
15. Make small goals every day and meet them. Make larger goals every month and meet them. It will make the biggest goals and dreams seem possible. IF you want to own a business. Do it. If you don’t want to own a business, that’s okay too.
16. Break. Black. Stereotypes. I ride horses, ski, am a sex educator, into BDSM, into Leather…and it makes me happy.
17. If it makes you happy and healthy, do it.
18. If it makes you feel young or even 12, do it. I went to Disney World for the first time at 32 and felt like the happiest 12 year old in the world.
19. Break sex stigma. Educate yourself on STDs, HIV, AIDS, and whatever else that is killing and stunting our communities.
20. The word NO is the most powerful tool you have in your arsenal. Consent counts!
21. You do not owe your parents anything, especially if they in the past treated you like dirt or STILL treat you like dirt.
22. Wisdom doesn’t discriminate when it comes to age, if you’re like me and already traveled and lived a hard arduous life, don’t be afraid to pass on lessons learned-whether good or bad.
23. IF the religion helps, good! IF it protects you from growing, then perhaps you need to adjust! Religion should never be a crutch or excuse to stop yourself from being the BEST YOU!
24. Don’t let white people tell you how to be black. Don’t let black people tell you how to be you.
25. IF you want to wear it, wear it. If it makes you dance, wear it. If it makes you sexy, wear it. If it makes you feel like a queen, wear it.
26. Try whatever make up, hair style, shoe style, dress style you want till you find your niche.
27. NEVER LET THEM STEAL YOUR JOY.
28. If you feel like it is just competition and no satisfaction, don’t do it.
29. Don’t fit a square peg in a circle hole. If it doesn’t work for you, that’s okay. Don’t judge others if it works for them.
30. Join a club, sorority, fraternity, non-profit-anything that helps you learn teamwork, sisterhood, and community service.
31. GIVE BACK. PAY IT FORWARD.
32. Apologize ONLY WHEN NECESSARY.
33. Demand apologies WHEN THEY ARE WARRANTED.
34. Prove. White. People. Wrong. Every. Day.
35. Tell yourself that you love yourself and that you are beautiful.
36. Wear lotion every day, ditch baby oil, go to the gym whenever possible, exercise whenever possible, hire a personal trainer if you can afford it.
37. Every paycheck, when possible, buy yourself something small…a gift…to show yourself that you deserve yourself.
38. take yourself out on dates, to the movies, on hikes, on lunches…learn yourself so you can show others how you should be treated.
39. Carpe Diem.
40. Celebrate other black success. One wins, we all win.
41. Counseling isn’t just for white people. Break. That. Stereotype.
42. Anger isn’t always the best or first reaction in situations. Also, it’s okay to cry. Crying can release as many toxins as sweating.
43. Let Black Men be Gay. Let Black Men be Bisexual. They are not weak for following their heart and knowing their soul. Stop killing Black Boy Joy.
44. Demand leadership opportunities. Demand to be keynote speakers in predominantly white establishments. Demand to be heard.
45. If you want to be heard, read and educate yourself enough to be a well articulate, wordsmith-both in written and verbal form. Join Toastmasters if you don’t know how to verbally represent yourself in leadership or business.
46. Find a mentor if you don’t know how to do something you want to do.
47. Never settle for less. Never feel guilty for setting high standards.
48. If you’re an introvert go out once a week. If you’re an extrovert, check in on your fellow introverts by visiting them in their homes and other quiet places. Find Balance in your friendships and relationships in this area.
49. Listen to understand, not to respond.
50. Love conquers all, safety however should be your TOP PRIORITY.
“You know, you do need mentors, but in the end, you really just need to believe in yourself.” -Diana Ross
Our Community, should champion safety for all. Not just for cis gay white men. Our Community should celebrate all leadership, not just the leadership of cis gay white Men. Our Community should listen to more keynotes, not just those written by cis gay white men. If we live in the land of the free, home of the brave-the melting pot of the world, then our community should reflect that, at every level. Equality should be given without any feelings of oppression from empowering someone else. I will say this again, Just because someone is asking (or demanding due to invisibility) for equality, doesn’t mean the other side is experiencing oppression for creating that change for them.
“It’s not about supplication, it’s about power. It’s not about asking, it’s about demanding. It’s not about convincing those who are currently in power, it’s about changing the very face of power itself.” — Kimberle Williams Crenshaw
We still have our fears today. But unlike so many decades ago, we don’t have to sneak into unmarked buildings, hide our sexuality, hide our kinks. We march into bars proudly, we put on contests proudly, we march in Pride parades sweating in our dead cow. And because of that, we don’t have to feel so fragile as if any change to our past would completely wipe out our future and established healthy traditions. We can grow and evolve, keeping our cornerstones intact, all the while renovating and building upon what we have in order to accommodate all. But, if you are scared, say you are scared, but don’t use your fear as a weapon to prevent others from being empowered.
When it comes to fear and leadership, leading from the closet of fear and lack of knowledge not only hinders the growth of your group and organization, but gives power to ignorance. Leaving the emotion of fear unchecked, almost inevitably leads to anger and hate. And hate turns to discrimination and oppression. “My people perish due to the lack of knowledge.” Our transfolk and our POC folk are in danger of becoming extinct due to fear and hate. Due to the lack of knowledge from our leadership in our kink and Leather communities, we have been battling discrimination and oppression towards our POC folk and our transfolk. Do not let fear and hate as a leader, take away power and opportunities of safety and brother and sisterhood from our POC folk and our transfolk.
“Fear is a disease that eats away at logic and makes man inhuman.” — Marian Anderson
Our next channel is for all of our Allies and Activists and about Sisterhood and Brotherhood. There is a quote that I’ve seen women of color use a lot. “When one wins, we all win.” Sometimes being a sister means being an ally, it means standing to the side or a little behind someone you care for or believe in dearly as they work to get their success. This doesn’t diminish your power, but enhances what you bring to the table as a fellow Leader. Sometimes being a sister means being an activist, that mean stepping up into the microphone to represent the direct struggles that you and others like you are going through, bringing visibility and awareness to our communities. Sometimes being a brother means being an ally to our sisters, this means standing to the side or a little behind someone you care for or believe in dearly as they work to get their success. This means being an ally financially, emotionally, spiritually. This means offering advice but not openly criticizing. It is better to say, “how can I best assist you?”, rather than “I told you so!”, or “They don’t deserve it because…”, or “They ruin everything!”. Maybe, just maybe, being an ally in helping build safe spaces for others than yourself is one of the best ways of showing the integrity, honor, and loyalty I hear so many talking about in our speeches. As a leader you do not have to be an activist all the time. You can exercise self-care, take a break to avoid burn out, pass the microphone. As a leader you can be an ally, because that is equally empowering, that title is equally honorable. As a leader, ignoring a burning building because it isn’t YOUR building burning, your forgetting a key point. That burning building that isn’t your burning building, still is part of the make up of your community. Standing outside, pointing, laughing, admonishing, someone’s burning building isn’t a sign of leadership, it is a sign of you not exercising your privilege to help someone else. And though we know, we can’t save everything and everyone, those that can be saved, should be saved. Those than can be helped should be helped. Our community is only as strong as our weakest links. Leadership is about bringing the feelings of acceptance, power, visibility, and trust to our community members.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou
Now we change the channel again. Contests. Leather and Kink isn’t about competition. Leadership isn’t a contest. Though contests exist in our communities, they are not the only way to exist, to establish and to be visible. If a contest is created to divide, that isn’t leadership. If a contest is created as retaliation, that isn’t leadership. If a contest is created to bring visibility to your ego, that isn’t leadership. Contests, conferences and all the other social experiences are to exist to stir inspiration, strengthen bonds, and to create magic. We should not feel as if we are competing against each other, we are competing against patriarchy, against sexism, against racism…we are competing against oppression and and discrimination. We are competing against abuse, disloyalty, dishonor. We are competing against financial and historical embezzlement. We are competing against the status quo, against HIV/AIDS, against sexual stigma. Regardless of each of our sexual identity, gender identity, gender expression, financial status, our race, creed and disability-if one of us wins, we all win. If one of us loses, there should still be opportunities to uplift, to connect, and to enable. You don’t need a title to be a winner. You don’t need to be a winner to be a leader.
“Don’t let anyone rob you of your imagination, your creativity, or your curiosity. It’s your place in the world; it’s your life. Go on and do all you can with it, and make it the life you want to live.” -Mae Jemison
And so, this brings me to our end destination tonight:
Leather Skylines welcomes you to Erotic Pleasure, where the local time is Sex-Dirty PM. Please remain prostrate with your ass uplifted and your hole wide open till the Captain has turned you right the heck on. Be careful when using too much lube as items tend to disappear during fisting. Check your personal baggage at carousel number “not in public”. If you have a collar and it says claimed by Dominant, you may find yourself just right where they need you to be. If you need any assistance getting off, please, kindly remain seated ever after I’ve spoken, so I may best assist you.
For information on connecting with sex enthusiasts and sado-masochists, you may check social media or download our free cruising sex-filled app. Be sure to visit places like growlr.com where you can learn about being a slutbag, where you can earn orgasms, on all your visits, starting hopefully with this evening’s visit.
On behalf of everyone here at Leather Skylines, especially this dark chocolate queer sexy sue, thanks for listening to me today. And For those of you who are from the deep, dark, twisted plains of Erotic Pleasure, I’d like to be the first to say: Welcome Home.
